Bad news,

Today I have been mixed with some many emotions and fears. I had a doctors appt. today. I am 24 weeks and 2 days. 3 weeks from when I had Matt. I went in for a normal check up to come out to be told I would have to be on bed rest from 4-8 weeks. Talk about a wrench. I dont know how to feel. I am scared. Today's appt. was the first that Pete was not able to come because of the scheduled time. But it turned out to be when I needed him the most. Luckily, when they sent me to L and D that he was able to make it up to be with me. I had done most of my crying by then.

There is so much going on right now. But I think the worst part about the whole thing is the fear that I wont be able to hold my little girl when she comes like normally some one would be able to. With Matt, they rushed him away. I feel incapable of carrying a baby. No one in my family has had problems. I honestly dont know how to feel. I dont know how to cope. So this blog will be my out to express myself honestly and openly.

I had a lesson a couple of weeks in Sunday School. They spoke of Heavenly Father giving us trials to test us and to help us rise up. Sometimes we dont understand why we are given these tests. When Matt was born, I didnt know how I was going to make it through. I cried and I hated that I couldnt be with him all the time in the hospital. I felt like I was a bad mom and he is now 3 1/2 and I still feel like I dont have the connection with him like Pete does. I know that he knows that I'm his mom but when you have 20 nurses taking care of your baby and you cant, Im sure you can imagine how I might feel. They told me that he might be behind and not learn as fast. I didnt want him to feel that way. I didnt want him to grow up thinking he couldnt do what others could because he was premature. He is so smart now. I feel like he is ahead of where he is and that makes me a proud mom. But, then I think of my baby girl and how I can emotionally do it all again. Heavenly Father must know that I could do it if I need to. I hope I can be strong. I hope I can do it and be the best mom I can.

I am so grateful for Peter and my family. They gave me a blessing tonight and I am so happy to have the priesthood in my life to be able to recieve those blessings. I have the best husband and he is more supportive than anyone I know. I love him more each day and this makes me love him even more. Im so glad I didnt let him slip away. I love you Peter.

Good night everyone.